A family conflict has emerged around disclosure, trust, and religious values within a household divided on LGBTQIA+ acceptance. The disagreement centers on whether an adult child should be compelled to share their sexual orientation with a parent, and whether a parent who knows this information should bear the burden of secrecy.
The original poster, a 22-year-old woman, was raised in the Seventh Day Adventist faith alongside both parents. In 2021, she realized she was not heterosexual, and began dating her partner the following year. Several months ago, she disclosed her sexual orientation exclusively to her mother, who responded supportively within the constraints of their religious tradition. However, the mother has recently begun pressuring the poster to tell her father as well, arguing that maintaining the secret places her in an unfair position within her marriage.
The poster's hesitation stems from her father's documented opposition to LGBTQIA+ representation and rights. Throughout her childhood, both parents frequently criticized the community, expressing frustration with increased gay representation in media and characterizing LGBTQIA+ visibility as aggressive. When the poster raises these concerns with her mother, the mother responds that her generation "makes fun of everyone" and implies that the father's comments should not be taken seriously. The poster's edit notes that she did not ask her mother to keep the secret—her mother offered to remain silent until the poster felt ready to tell her father herself. However, each time the poster contemplates disclosure, her father makes another disparaging comment about the LGBTQIA+ community, reinforcing her fear.
The Case for Parental Disclosure
Those who side with the mother's position argue that adult family members deserve honesty, particularly on matters central to identity and life circumstances. This perspective emphasizes that the mother is being placed in an untenable position: she is expected to maintain a significant secret from her spouse while simultaneously living in the household where the secret concerns the couple's own child. Supporters of this view contend that deception within marriage is fundamentally problematic and that the father has a right to know relevant information about his daughter's life, regardless of his historical views.
From this angle, the concern is not primarily about forcing disclosure on the poster, but about the unfairness to the mother. She has been supportive and accepting, yet now finds herself complicit in what she may view as a betrayal of marital trust. Additionally, proponents argue that delayed disclosure often prolongs inevitable conflict rather than preventing it, and that the longer the secret is kept, the worse the father may feel when he eventually learns the truth—potentially damaging both relationships further.
The Case for the Poster's Autonomy
Conversely, many argue that the poster, as an adult living in her parents' home, has the right to control the disclosure of personal information about herself, particularly when she has legitimate safety and emotional concerns. This perspective prioritizes personal autonomy and recognizes that coming out to hostile or unsupportive family members carries real psychological and potentially practical consequences. The poster currently depends on her parents for housing while working in childcare and saving to move closer to a capital city, making family stability a practical concern.
From this viewpoint, the mother voluntarily agreed to keep the secret and now bears responsibility for that choice. The poster did not manipulate her mother into silence; rather, the mother offered it proactively. Supporters of this position note that individuals with disapproving family members often manage their disclosure strategically based on their material circumstances and emotional readiness. The father's ongoing negative comments are cited as evidence that his acceptance cannot be assumed and that the poster's fear is rational rather than paranoid.
The Tension Between Perspectives
The core disagreement reflects a broader tension in family ethics: the balance between individual autonomy, parental rights, marital honesty, and the duty to protect oneself from foreseeable harm. The poster's situation is complicated by her dependent status—she is 22 years old, legally an adult, yet financially and residentially reliant on her parents. This ambiguity makes it unclear whether her parents retain the authority to demand disclosure or whether her adulthood grants her full control over personal revelation.
Neither perspective is entirely unreasonable. The mother's position reflects a legitimate concern about marital integrity and fairness. The poster's position reflects equally legitimate concerns about safety and autonomy. The unresolved question is who bears the cost of protecting family peace and personal security when those two values conflict.
Source: r/AmItheAsshole
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